Crazier Than A Mule On A Ferris Wheel

You Are What You Love

2008-09-21T13:37:18Z

I am feeling strangely nostalgic this morning.
Maybe I'm just not awake enough yet.
Maybe I'm just burnt from a rough day at work yesterday.
Maybe I'm just having one of those days.

But regardless, I'm sitting here, (and I hate to use this word) longing for the way I felt before. Not for her. Not for what we did. But the way she made me feel.
When she didn't make me feel completely insane. Which was maybe, a couple of hours a week. But they were great hours, for sure.

I'm not really upset or anything, don't get me wrong. And I certainly have no intentions or desire to talk to her. It's just one of those things that comes with that sort of relationship, I guess.

Friggin' ESPN

2008-07-06T06:49:29Z

Okay, I'm gonna give this piece the title "Where The Fuck Does ESPN Get Off?". Let me preface this entire thing by saying I am a fan of the Green Bay Packers, have been since I was a kid, and I went on a two week road trip just to see Green Bay a few years back. I'm a passionate fan of football, and the Packers in general. Onto the meat:

ESPN has a new thing going. Every week on SportsCenter they are visiting a town on a list of 20 towns. This list was previously chosen by the "fans", via online polling. Every night their air a piece about the success of the sports in that town. The professional titles, the college titles, the athletes born there. At the end of this series, they will crown a city with the name "Titletown, USA."
Sounds like fun, right? Maybe it will be to someone. Maybe a lot of people. But not to this Packers fan. And probably not for a lot of people like me.

You see, Green Bay has been known as 'Titletown' for a long time now. To quote Wikipedia:

"Green Bay is nicknamed "Titletown" and "Titletown, USA" for the number of NFL titles (12) it has won over the years (including the first two Super Bowls as well as Super Bowl XXXI), more than any other team. The name appears on the city seal, is used by the Green Bay Chamber of Commerce for its web address (titletown.org) and variations of the word appear in the name of more than two dozen local businesses."

Perhaps it hasn't been the most accurate of titles in recent years. The Packers haven't won a Super Bowl in 10 years, and they don't have much else going for them. But so what? There are no companies in Boston that currently make Boston Baked Beans. Perhaps we should take back "Beantown".

Or maybe we won't because it's not a tiny market in the middle of Wisconsin that the guys at ESPN don't really care about. For a company that is supposed to be all about sports, this is an absolute disgrace. One of the greatest things about sports in general is the traditions. The teams that have been around for a long time (For example, the Green Bay Packers have been a professional football tam since 1912.), the iconic people and places, like Fenway Park, and the old man's goat. The long standing tradition of felons playing professional basketball. (Okay, I couldn't resist. Sorry, NBA. I'm just kidding.)

But this is something the city of Green Bay has built itself on. I have seen the famous Titletown Trolley. I've seen those big red TITLETOWN letters. I've eaten at a diner that had the name Titletown stapled all over it. I've been to Lambeau Field, and the Packers Hall of Fame, and sat at Vince Lombardi's desk.
I want to understand the other side of it, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder if this special would be happening if New York was called Titletown 50 years ago, and hadn't won a professional title in the last 10 years. My gut says no.

I'm a big SportsCenter fan, and I have defended it to those who've attacked it, and stood by it when it made giant mistakes (Who's Now? Blergh.), but this one isn't just a stupid mistake by a marketing team. It is ignorant and offensive, to a city, and to Packers fans all over the country. Why don't we just rename the Vince Lombardi Trophy while we're at it? I mean, the guy hasn't won a title in 40 years. Freakin' slacker.

The Train, Pt. 2

2008-06-19T20:22:02Z

I'm home, in my bed.

My cat jumps onto the bed, and rubs his face against my cheek, crying for attention.
And again.
And the third time, he slams his face into my forhead, hitting harder than any fluffy furball should.
"Ow, shit!"

I wake up and realize that the gentle nudging of my cat's face was my head bouncing against the train window. And we had just hit a particularly rough bump.

Charles looks over at me, and nods.

I suddenly remember everything, and if I had to guess, I'd say a good bit of color drained from my face. I immediately became uncomfortable.
"Hey Charles.."

"Hey, man, I'm-a head up to the cafe car. You need anything?"
"No, I'm okay, but thank you."
Charles awkwardly and noisly gets up from his seat, and shuffles to the front of the car, disappearing behind the sliding door.

I exhale and close my eyes, putting my head back against my seat. I glance at my cell phone to see what time it is.
Digging through my bag, I grab my iPod and put on my favorite album of the week (Fleet Foxes, by Fleet Foxes) and close my eyes. Again, thankfully, I drift off to sleep.

-

I wake up to the sound of Charles getting back in his seat. He's got a cardboard tray with an empty glass of ice, and a bottle of orange juice.
He glances over at me as I take my headphones out of my ears, and extends the bottle of orange juice, giving me a "You want it?" look.

"Oh, uh, no thanks."
"No no, man, I got this for you."
"Oh.. well thanks, Charles.", I say as I take the bottle of juice. I nonchalantly glance at the band on the cap, to make sure it hasn't been opened. I'm fairly sure taking juice from strangers is about the same as taking candy.
"Of course, man."

As I crack open the top, he slips his bottle of whisky out of the pouch, and pours it into the glass. As I take a sip of my orange juice, he clumsily places the bottle back in the seat in front of him, and takes a sip of his drink.
He lets out a sort of low grunt, or moan, or something I'm not quite familiar with, and puts his head back on his seat, his eyes half open.

Perhaps 5 minutes of me staring out the window later, a young man walks up to the seat. He's holding a familiar looking straw hat. He looks like he can't be older than 18 or 19, but then again, I look 12, so what do I know?
Charles stirs and looks up.
"Charles, hey, you forgot your hat up there. Thought I'd bring it to you."
"Thanks, kid."
"No, thank you.", the kid says with a grin as he turns and heads back to the front of the car.

I drift off again, holding the orange juice in my hand.

Another rough bump later, I'm awake.

There is a woman standing in the aisle, talking to Charles.

"Charles, you should eat something. You haven't eaten anything today."
A series of grunts comes from him that I can't quite make out, but she seemed to pick up on it. "Okay, what do you want?", she asked.
He mumbles response that is, again, indecipherable to me.
"Okay." She pats his shoulder. "You got it. You stay right here, I'll be back."

A few minutes later, she arrives with a cardboard tray. In it is a cup of Raman Noodles, steaming hot. I'm fairly sure I heard screeching violins, reminiscent of Psycho, when my eyes caught the steam.

"Here you go, Charles. I'll be up in my car. We're gonna be in D.C. soon, and I have to go get my things ready. You enjoy this."
She looks at me.
"Young man, you make sure he's alright, okay?"
I nod.

She walks away, as Charles eagerly opens the clear plastic imprisoning his spoon.
He dips it in, and in what I can only guess was a failed attempt to stir the noodles, flicks the spoon in and out of the cup, causing small amounts of warm water to get my arm.
He takes a spoonful of noodles, as I watch out of the corner of my eye, and brings them to his mouth. He gets about half of them in, the other half falling back down. Some into the cup, others on the tray, a few in his lap. He chews incredibly loudly, and swallows.
He coughs.
He coughs again, gagging a little.
He goes into a coughing fit, and as I sit up straighter to make sure he is alright, he turns, with his head down, and spits up a small amount of partially chewed noodles on the top of my left pant leg.
He then closes his eyes again, and puts his head against his chair, breathing loudly, and chewing air every couple of seconds.

I panic inside. I'm not sure how I didn't get up and scream, or freak out, because nothing could've been louder than the screaming in my head. I pick up a couple of napkins off his cardboard tray, fold them in half and wipe myself off calmly, before placing the crumpled up napkins back in the corner of the tray.
I slip my headphones back into my ears and turn my head slightly to the side, watching the scenery. We're somewhere in Virginia.
I wonder how much longer it could be.
The social visit I was stressing about, in D.C., the one I was sure would go horribly, with me being about as animated as a plank of wood, and slightly less talkative, suddenly seems like a great escape.

The train glides to a stop. We're clearly outside of some city, but I can't tell which. The PA crackles on, and the conductor tells us we are outside of Washington D.C., but since we are so late, we have a stop signal, because there is another train coming in currently. He says we should be pulling into the station shortly after we can move again, which he estimates about 25 minutes.
I glance over at Charles, still breathing heavily, with his eyes closed, next to me, and just pray I make it off the train without further incident.

Incredibly shortly after the announcement, the woman comes back to check on Charles. She gasps, seeing the bits of noodle on his pants, and the medium sized wet spot on my left leg.
"Charles! Come on, Charles!"
"Huh, uh, wha?"
"I told you to be careful with this. You got some on your neighbor over there!"
He glances over at me. I can feel 5 or 6 pairs of eyes on me. I'm fairly sure everyone in the car with a good shot of our seats was staring.
"Oh, it's, uh, it wasn't much. It's not a big deal.."
She sighs, looking at Charles. "Look, we're almost in DC. Why don't you get your bag, and meet me up in the front of the car, and we'll get you off the train?"
He nods, and she walks away hastily, carrying the soggy cardboard tray.

"You could've helped me out there, man!"
"I.. uh.. what?"
"You didn't have to say I got stuff on you, man."
"Well.. uh.. you kind of did. I'm sorry. I just uh.. "
I trailed off, and luckily, he didn't press the issue.

During our exchange, I hear the woman in my old seat stifling laughter. As he walks away from our seat without another word to me, she turns around, and peeks through the side, between the chair and the window.
"God bless you, son.", she says with a chuckle.
I offer a weak smile, and nod.

As the train starts rolling again, I get up from my seat, eager as ever to get off the train. As I stand above seat level, I feel all of the eyes of the people in our section on me again. I tried my best not to meet anyone's gaze.
The woman in front of me laughs, and says "You have a safe trip home, son."
"You too", I say, glancing at her and her husband.
"Oh, and ma'am?", I start, with a wry smile.
"Yes?"
"No offense, but I think the next time someone asks me to switch seats on a train, I'll have to politely decline."

Home.

2008-06-08T05:29:20Z

So, as some of you may know, I enjoy writing. I don't think I'm great at it, but put a few drinks in me, and you might get me to admit I think I do alright.

As most of you may also know, I was in North Carolina recently, visiting family and escaping the real world. Well, yesterday, I took a train back home. It was my first time traveling so far alone, and I was a little nervous about it. I made it home, but not without my fair share of excitement.

I decided to write about my experience on the 80 train, from Charlotte, North Carolina to Washington D.C. This is the first part of the story, and I'll write more of it out and post it as I do, if you guys want to hear the rest. It was a long train ride.. about 12 hours. So, it's a long story.

Let me know if you like it, if you don't, if you think it's too long winded, if you want more, if you don't, and all that.
And as a warning, it's not so kid friendly. Some bad words.

And lastly, I promise you, this is all completely true.

----

Nudge.

“Mrrrhh?” I grumble, and try to turn my head slightly, before just resting it back against the window.

Nudge. “Sir?”

I cough and sit up “Huh? Oh, hmm?”
“Sir, I’m sorry, but the train is full, would you mind switching seats with my husband, so we could sit together?”
“Oh, yeah, totally.. sure…”
“Thank you so much, sir.”, says the attendant I’m suddenly aware of in the aisle. Maybe this wasn’t so much of a friendly request.
“Really, it’s no trouble at all…”

The man in the seat behind us, my new “Seatmate”, to use a term he would later use, got up and stood in the middle of the aisle, looking confused. I didn’t pay much attention to him, sat in my chair, and slid my bag off my lap, onto the floor, at my feet.

Clink.

“Huh?” I look into the netting of the seat in front of me, and see 2 empty beer bottles stashed there. “Heh” is my final declaration before putting my head back against the window and dozing off.

-

I dream that I feel something cold and wet running down my left pant leg. “Oh, uh, sorry, dude..” jostles me out of my sleep, making me realize there actually is something cold and wet running down my leg.

I turn, and sit back properly to see a glass, with ice, in the crease between seats, and my left leg well dampened.

“Oh man, my bad. My bad. Sorry, dude…”, says my seatmate.
“Oh, it’s, um, it’s no problem. It happens. It’s just water..”
He coughs quietly. “Yeah. Sorry, dude.”

I glance over to the left, and in the netting of his seat, I see a plastic bag.
Peeking out from the tip of this plastic bag, I see a cream colored cap, and a band that reads “White Horse”
I sigh quietly to myself, and roll back over, trying to forget the spill of what I now know is whisky on the only pair of pants I’ll have until the next day at 5 am.

-

I wake up again, maybe a half hour later, to hear my seatmate fumbling with his tray, trying to get it off the seat in front of him.
“Here, let me get that for you”, I say as I unlock it and gently slide it down, allowing him to place his cardboard tray of a Diet Pepsi, a cup of coffee, and a suspiciously empty glass of ice on top.

My first thought: Shit, I hope he doesn’t spill coffee on me.
My second: Shit, I hope he doesn’t spill whisky on me.

“Thanks, brother. How you doin'?”, asks the seatmate.
“Alright, alright. And you?”
“I’m doin’ good, man. Doin’ good.”
“Where you headed?”, I try to make conversation.
“D.C., man. I live there. How about you?”
“I’m getting off at D.C., too. Headed to New Haven, I’m catching a connector there tonight.”
“Neeeeeewww Haven. Alright. What do you call yourself, man?” He tilts his head slightly to the side, and looks at me through half open eyes, peeking out from the top of the sunglasses that have absolutely no business being on his face.
“Name’s Jason. And what do you call yourself?”
“Well, my name is Charles Henry Harris- Harris- Harrison.”
“Nice to meet you, Charles.”
“Yeah, man, but I meant.. like.. where are you from, man? Who are you? What nationality are you, brother?”
“Uh, well, I’m Spanish, mostly. And Irish.”
“Spanish, man? That’s cool. Where from, like, Mexico? Or Central America?”, he slurs out wonderfully.
“Spain, my grandfather’s from Barcelona.”, I respond.
“Now, brother, let me ask you. How. Does. The world. Look at you?”
“I.. uh.. what?”
“Do they see you as Spanish, man? Do you get a lot of crap?”
“Uh.. I never really thought about how other people see me.. I mean..”
“You can’t let nobody get you down”, he interrupts. “Guys like you and me, there are people out there trying to get folks like us.. the black man, and the Spanish man, and the minorities.. they want us to be subservient, man. There’s a secret organization, man. And they – they- they silence anyone who speaks up. There is a system, man. And it will chew you up and spit you out. Chew you up. And spit you out.”

I swallow hard and nod. “’kay”

A couple of minutes free of conversation pass, and as I put my head up against the glass once more, and just as I drift off to sleep, I hear him… “Hey, man, you ever read Karl Marx…”

End of Part 1.

I'm home again. Got in at about 5 am. Good to be back, despite everything.

Can't sleep, stupidity stimulated my brain

2008-06-05T08:26:19Z

"I am 20 years old, I live in New York City, and I am as gay as the day is long. And I will be all about McCain if they steal this election from Hilary."
-Clinton supporter on the Daily Show, after Obama clinched the Democratic nomination

So. You'll go against all of your personal beliefs and vote for a candidate who does not represent you even a little, out of spite?

Sounds about right.

It scares me, that there is this kind of mentality out there. I do hope people are just speaking out of desperation. Trying to be dramatic. I don't know. I don't want people like that, or people like anyone from West Virginia (okay, not anyone. But anyone that's ever allowed themselves to be interviewed about politics from West Virgina) deciding who makes the executive decisions for the country I live in.

I will admit, I am a giant Obama supporter. Maybe I'm a sucker for a good talker. I definitely know I am an idealist, almost to a fault. But when I listen to him talk, I feel something. I feel like history is happening. I feel like he could be the leader of my generation. He could be Kennedy (hopefully not in every way. A horrifying topic for another time). I honestly feel like he could be an amazing leader for our country. I believe in the change his campaign promises, basically.

I am not a giant fan of Hilary Clinton. I don't think she's horrible, at all, I just think she has a bit more of a personal agenda. I disagree with her on a couple of issues, but honestly, it's not even about that for me. She just seems like she wants to be President. She wants the glory, she wants the power, where as Obama wants to change things. He doesn't want the title as a trophy.

But I am not saying Hilary wouldn't change things. She would. She would do this country a whole amount of good. My liking Obama better is almost entirely a personal issue, I'll freely admit. I side with him on most things, as I would most liberals. But when it comes down to Obama vs. Hilary, his personality wins for me. I believe him. I don't believe her.

That said, if she won the nomination, would I vote for the other party out of spite? Jesus Christ, no, that's ridiculous. She'd still be a much better leader, for me, than a candidate who doesn't represent the things I want.
I can't fathom people's thoughts, when they say things like that. Likes it's a game.

I wonder how that guy will feel 8 years from now, after two terms of McCain (will he even live another 8 years?), when we're balls deep in Iran, and gay men have no more rights than they do today.
I wonder if he'll think "Hmm, maybe I should've voted for the candidate who best represented my ideals, rather than piss away my vote to hurt the party that didn't pick my guy."

He needs to grow up. People like that shouldn't be given a vote.

End rant.

Just the usual stuff goin' through my head.

2008-06-04T20:44:07Z

There are a lot of things going through my mind right now.

I'm afraid, isn't that silly?
I'm afraid of traveling 900 miles alone. I'm worried I'm going to miss my train after the layover. I'm going to fall asleep and miss my stop. I'm going to lose my luggage.
I'm going to get home and realize I'm not going to be any happier there, and the only thing that's changed is I've realized I'm not going to be happy anywhere until my circumstances change considerably. It's going to be a lot of work. I'm afraid of that work.

I'm doing okay, though. I'm still in a much better place than I was before I left. At least I think I am. I'm not really any happier. But I don't miss her as much. I'm unhappy because of other things. Things I can change.
Things I will change.

And maybe I don't have to move down here to spark a giant life change. Maybe NC has done it's job, in making me want the change. Maybe I can find the change I want in Connecticut. Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe, probably, it doesn't matter. Maybe I'm stronger than I used to be. Maybe I can make things work where ever I go. Maybe this is just a superficial choice, and the picture is already drawn, the only difference being the canvas it's painted on. (Was that metaphor too much? I'm not sure. Feedback appreciated.)

I made brownies with Malorie today. I hope they turned out okay.

Copied from my "other" "serious" "blog"

2008-05-30T18:56:21Z

I wrote this for the blog that I started to write serious things and not be so emo all the time, but that was a doomed mission. And since I did my favorite music of 2005 and 2006 here, I felt I should put last year's list here, as well, albeit a bit late. The links are broken, so you won't have snazzy links to the band's site, or even the names of a couple of albums. Suckers.
Hope someone gets some enjoyment out of it.

Anyone who knows me knows that, like everyone from my generation, I am "really into music".
In my previous attempts at keeping some sort of "blog" (what a horrible word. Sorry, internet.), I've done best-of lists, for albums, at the end of each year.

This year, in this new space to write my thoughts, I'm going to do it differently.

This blog has (and hopefully will continue to [lol - ed]) deviated away from the emo feel of my older attempts. I want to seem semi professional here.
To that end, this year's "list" is going to be more of an award piece.

I hope everyone enjoys it.

Coolest New-To-Me Music

I have seen the light, and it is gypsy punk. I won't bore you with the awesome, coincidental story of how I stumbled upon Gogol Bordello. But I did, and since August 2007, they've rocked my face off.
It's a completely unique sound, at least to my uneducated ears.
Can you rock out to it? Yes.
Dance to it? You bet.
Laugh at it? Without question.
Make love to it? ...maybe not.

The songs range from ridiculously hilarious, (American Wedding) to in-your-face political (Your Country) to inexplicably epic (Undestructable. Yes, that's the name of the song.)
Whatever you look to take from music, you can probably find at least one song by Gogol Bordello to satisfy you, as long as you can deal with Eugene Hütz's harsh voice and fantastically broken english.
I've got to get to a live show by these guys, at least once.

Recommended track(s): Your Country, Supertheory of Supereverything

Album That Makes Me Want To Get Up and Dance

Yes, Hey Hey My My Yo Yo was released in some other countries in 2005. Yeah, I probably could've pirated it and had it on my best of '06 list. But I didn't. And it wasn't released here in the states until 2007. And it's my list. So suck it.

Junior Senior is probably the coolest thing to come out of Denmark since Vikings. It's awesomely upbeat, and makes a goober like me feel like he can and should dance. I implore anyone to put on Can I Get Get Get without dancing like Travolta.
I was a little late to the show, admittedly. I heard Junior Senior a few years ago, when Move Your Feet had a small explosion in popularity. But it hit me at the wrong time, and didn't quite appeal. Now it's a fixture in any playlist that's made for anything involving the phrase "Let's get funky!".
If upbeat dance music featuring rapping Danes is your thing, check out Junior Senior.

Recommended track(s): Can I Get Get Get, Take My Time

"You Sure That Came Out This Year? That's A Classic" Album of the Year

Seriously, I had to look it up to make sure We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank came out in 2007. I know it all by heart, and feel like I was born with the lyrics in my brain.
I'm not sure I have enough positive words for this album. I'm proud to say I've been a huge Modest Mouse fan for years, and this was one of my most anticipated releases of the year.

It lived up to the hype. The first time I heard Dashboard, I nearly wet myself. I think music that I can dance to has become a theme this year, which is odd, considering I don't dance. Ever, really. It was my ringtone for a good 9 months, and I'm still not sick of it, even if everyone else is. (Though it's since been changed to the theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly for comedic effect.)
And then came the realization that Dashboard was such a great song, that there was no way it could be lived up to. I was going to get my hopes up for this album, and nothing would hit me as hard as Dashboard had.
If I'm not an absolute idiot, there's no such thing.
It's such a varied album, with so many great songs that just click. And having James Mercer provide guest vocals seems unfair. It's the sort of thing that just makes it impossible for any other band to keep up. The two hottest voices in indie rock teaming up? Someone get a hose. Beatles-esque hysteria is imminent.

Recommended track(s): We've Got Everything, Missed The Boat

The 'Critical Darling' Album Of The Year

Everyone and their mother has heard of The Shins now, and their latest effort had a surprisingly high profile. And yet again, thankfully, they did not disappoint.

I'm really not sure what I can or want to say about this album. I just wanted to get it on the list, and make sure everyone who has managed to escape the unstoppable indie-music juggernaut that the Shins have become checks them out. This album or otherwise.

Recommended Track(s): Turn On Me

My Favorite Album Of The Year

Okay, this one is tricky. My choice for album of the year won't hold up as well as the Modest Mouse Album, or Wincing The Night Away. But in the end, I decided that my best album of 2007 should be the album that impacted my 2007 more than the others, even if 6 months from now, I hardly listen to it.
In Defense of the Genre fits that description perfectly. For two months, this record owned my life.
Some history:

Say Anything has been a favorite of mine for some time. Alive With The Glory of Love is probably my favorite song of the last 5 years.
I heard about their new album coming out, and I got excited. Really excited. I wanted it more than any music I had previously wanted.
And then I heard it was going to be two discs.
And then I heard it was going to be full of guest vocalists, and I got all faklempt.

Only Max Bemis could convince people like Hayley Williams, Chris Carrabba, and Chris Conley to contribute bit parts to songs that could've done by just about anyone. But they were done by the best, and that's what makes each song special.
Hayley Williams, in particular, has two amazing tracks. Hearing either of her performances leaves little to wonder about why she was the only star to appear in more than one song.

This album isn't for everyone, but there almost definitely is a song on it for everyone. There's a showtune, a beat driven song screaming for a dance club, some angry ass kickers, and a whole lotta emo. I happen to love it all.

Again, I have my doubts that this album will withstand the test of time as well as some of the albums I've listed, and maybe a couple I haven't. But it was my favorite listen of 2007, and that gives it the edge. It's an album I won't forget for a long, long time, even if it's not always my favorite of all time.

Recommended Track(s): That Is Why, We Killed It, Have At Thee!, Plea, The Church Channel.

(You may think that's a lot.. but there are 27 tracks. I can't just choose 1 or 2.)

So that's my list. I'm sure I'll revise it. I'm sure I'll regret most of it. But I've put 3 weeks into this dinky entry, so please don't be too harsh.

Oh, hey

2008-05-30T06:06:29Z

So it's been a year since I'd posted anything of material, and I thought I'd just throw out there, for those of you I don't talk to on a regular basis, I have changed a little. Lost a bit of weight, grew a bit older in the face. Here you go.

Twin Sized Bed

2008-05-30T05:59:24Z

So, this is it.

I'm 21.

I've grown up. I've made it a lot farther than I thought I would at some points.

I'm sitting in a small apartment, outside of Charlotte, 900 miles from home. I miss my bed. I miss my cats. I miss my computer. And that's about it.

Funny, how life throws your curve balls.

Disclaimer: Emo ahead

I couldn't stand home. Everything reminded me of her. Of us. Of everything I was, everything I wasn't, and everything she pretended to feel for me.

I see nothing ahead. I see vague goals that I get excited about in spurts. I see a whole lot more crying on my bed at 4 in the morning because I need to get out but have nowhere to go.

But then it all shifts. I have a good weekend, and a "You should try and visit for your birthday" turns into "Why don't you stash away in the backseat and stay for a month, through your birthday", which turns into "I've got a bedroom and a car I'm not using, if you need to try a change of scenery."

And I can't jump on it. Everything and everyone I've talked to thinks it's a great idea. So many opportunities. So little to lose. My parents offered to drive me back.

And all I can think about is how I can't wait to be back in my room, feeling miserable, but at least comfortably miserable.
I can see some things changing down here, I honestly can. But I can see myself making those changes at home, too.

But I can never seem to get the motivation to make these changes. And down here, I'd have a hand constantly on my back, pushing me towards the fire. A hand that could be good for me.
But how long can I really rely on other people to pressure me to do the things I need to do? At some point, I've got to man up and just fucking do something because I know I need to, and not because I'm afraid of being judged by the people I love if I don't, right?

I wish I had an answer in front of me.
I wish I wasn't awake.
I wish I didn't miss her.
I wish I had Molly and Snickers here with me right now, so I could tell them to stop running around the fucking kitchen at 2 in the fucking morning because they're annoying.
I really wish I didn't miss her.

Emo complete

I've had a fun trip, over all. It's given me a lot to think about. And despite that last bit, it's cleared my head a good bit.

We'll see where I am next May. Maybe I'll be on the west coast.
Maybe I'll be in North Carolina
Maybe I'll be in my crappy little apartment, with my annoying cats, way too close to my insane parents.

I'll be happy, though.

Who says conservatives don't use the internet?

2007-07-28T17:03:11Z

Note: Read this, even if you're not into sports. It may start off as babble, but it's worth it. Trust me.

So, as you, my friends, may or may not know, I am a bit of a sports junkie. I mostly read si.com, but when I can't find anything interesting there, I go to foxsports or espn.
I found a great article on foxsports about how the newest class of NBA rookies have fared in summer league play, and I started reading. One much hyped prospect, Mike Conley, did fairly well. The fellow who wrote this article said he thought Conley would "fit in perfectly with running mates Hakim Warrick and Rudy Gay."
Except it didn't say that. It said "fit in perfectly with running mates Hakim Warrick and Rudy BLEEP", with the word BLEEP hotlinked. I knew exactly what it was, and suppressed my urge to laugh in order to click this link. I got this gem:

FOXSports.com encourages our users to express themselves on their blogs, story comments, or message boards. We don't want to slow down your game when you're dishing on your favorite teams and players.

At the same time, we recognize that not everyone out there loves a potty mouth. So if there's an obvious bad word on a blog, story comment, or message board post, we'll try to censor it.

Feeling brave, mature, and adult-ish? Or just want to get in touch with your inner sailor? You can choose to have FOX Sports do nothing, and leave all those R-rated words alone. If you do, you may see some coarse language from time to time in the community. Don't say we didn't warn you!

____________________

I'm not even sure what else to say on the subject. I think mocking it would be overkill, since it was already quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen, ever.

(Link: http://community.foxsports.com/blogs/seatownj/2007/07/25/Musts_Busts2 )

Sup bitches.

2007-04-15T04:00:35Z

So, lj, it's been a while. Does anyone even read this anymore?

Things have been interesting for me. I've got a job working at a pizza place.
(Sarcasm heavy, in that last sentence)

I'm currently dating a girl I met buying coffee. (Not so much on the sarcasm, that time)

Last weekend, my friend Jake, who's in the army and stationed in that
state of Alabama came up to visit, and we had a blast. We went to the Museum of Natural History, in New York City. Aside from getting lost in the Native American Peoples section, it was awesome.

That's been about it, for the last couple of months. Good times.

almightyspoony @ 2006-11-11T03:08:00

2006-11-11T07:08:01Z

Jason Therrien: Employed Teenager.

Has a nice ring to it, eh?

Linkage, baby.

2006-09-13T05:28:18Z

http://www.zulkey.com/diary_archive_091106.html

Enjoy it. If you're uber patriotic, you might want to avoid. But I can't see anyone I know who reads this being offended by it. If you guys even read this anymore.

God I'm lonely.

SO LONELY

President who?

2006-08-31T21:23:05Z

So apparently August 8th was a year without a cigarette, not the 10th. I don't know where I lost two days, but somewhere along the way, I did. Whatever. It's probably Tim's fault.

A bit late, but...

2006-08-29T07:08:23Z

It's the end of August 2006. So now I give you my top 5 albums for 2005. As I write this, I only know the top two, and I don't even know which will go before the other. So let's hope I figure it out before I stop typing. I'm not wasting time. No, really.

Shit.

5. OK Go - Oh No (August) Yeah, I stumbled across this album and band a little late. I regret it. Great album to do anything to. Can't say much more.

4. Gorillaz - Demon Days (May) Not really much to say about this one. I'm sure everyone's heard it, and I'm sure we can all agree it's great.

3. Copeland - In Motion (March) Bought on a completely random recommendation from some dude in some store, it turned out to be one of my favorite albums of the year. The lead singer's voice is captivating, and seeing them live was one of the biggest treats of last summer.

2. The Decemberists - Picaresque. (March) Another random recommendation, I fell in love with it almost instantly. It was so original, so melodic, so amazing. I really got caught up in some of the stories the songs told. It was a VERY tough call between this and the number 1 album.

1. Armor For Sleep - What To Do When You Are Dead (February) I know, I know. A concept album? The fact is, it's just creepy, and it's touching, and it's angry, and it's completely awesome. And if I didn't love it enough before, seeing them at Toad's Place really clinched it. Amazing show. Simply amazing.

I'll probably re-read this in a week and beat myself up for forgetting an album. But ah well. That's it. That's my list.

almightyspoony @ 2006-08-25T16:47:00

2006-08-25T20:50:41Z

Yesterday, after getting juice in my mustache, I decided it was time to shave. Real men don't get juice in their facial hair, and I'm sure not going to stop drinking that delicious punch.
It was an epic battle, but the skin has finally been liberated from that itchy tyrant. Since escaping the confines of my face, the Hair Monster has been linked romantically to both Lindsey Lohan and Hilary Duff.

At the same time.

Bow chicka bow wow.

ZYZZYBALUBAH!

2006-08-16T16:33:44Z

Zyzzybalubah! AHHHHH!
Okay, I admit it. I LOVE watching Pee Wee's Playhouse on Adult Swim. It's just so ridiculous. The prettiest girl in puppet world has hair 3 feet tall! Come on. That's awesome.

Joey's birthday party, he makes the first cut on his cake. He then starts to cut the rest into paper thin slices.
"Joey, try making the pieces a little wider, that's a bit small"
He ignores me, keeps cutting.
"Joe, stop, that's a bit too small"
He ignores me still
AJ: "Joey, make the slices bigger, those are too small."
Joey: "Thanks AJ, you're so helpful!"

I'm going to fucking stab someone soon. And hard.

We still have no power on the top half of the house. It's getting really old. This place is going to burn down soon. And I may not be the fire starter. Go figure.

...

2006-08-10T18:17:12Z

This is the worst thing I've ever read. Some people make me fucking sick.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/rick_reilly/08/07/reilly0814/index.html

You all waited patiently

2006-08-10T04:50:14Z

And now it's Thursday!

For those of you reading this, big news.

Thursday, August 10th, marks one year since I've quit smoking. A whole year.
Thank you Katie, for convincing me. I owe you a ton.

I love you all.

Comfort.

2006-08-09T17:26:03Z

It's almost Thursday. Aren't you guys excited?

So every once in a while, I get bored, and go back and re-read parts of my journal. This morning, I went back to see what I was writing about this time last year, and I read things from when Malorie was here. Good times, that.

I had a dream about the SATs last night. I think I was sleeping with the teacher. It wasn't a healthy dream.

Malorie won my iTunes dollar by default. It's a good song, for sure. But clearly, it means anyone who didn't comment wants me dead. So screw you guys.

Especially you.

Ned Lamont won the primary last night, and he did his usual speech, where he re-states all of his promises, and all that nice stuff, and at the end, he says "I'm Ned Lamont, and I approve this message!"
Thw crowd went wild. It was awesome.

Choose your own LJ adventure

2006-08-08T07:50:55Z

Not only was the box of cereal I bought full of delicious sugary goodness, it gave me a free song from iTunes.

What song?

Bury Me

2006-08-07T16:34:55Z

Hey, LJ! Miss me? I totally missed you. We should hang out more. Give me a call sometime.

Real news coming Thursday. :)

almightyspoony @ 2006-07-14T16:56:00

2006-07-14T20:57:14Z

Jason Therrien: High school graduate.

Cool.

Bad Sects

2006-07-12T13:14:12Z

I can't believe I'm actually sleeping like a "normal" person. I need to fix it soon, waking up at 6 am sucks. So boring.

Happy Hollow ain't bad. I like the Ugly Organ just a bit more, but it's a good album.

I'm thinking I have an ego problem. Not your conventional ego problem, though. I hate myself. But I constantly worry what that person on the bus is thinking of me, or whether that girl I passed thought I was a hideous dog-monster, or sexy cat-beast.
But the truth is, 99% of those people couldn't care less. They have more important things to worry about than me.
This won't fix anything, I'll still worry over the small shit. I'm just thinkin'.

One more time

2006-07-08T22:32:40Z

We're driving home, and stopped in Indian Trail, North Carolina for the night, to stay with my Aunt. Leave at 6 am tomorrow morning, should be home before dinner time. Can't wait.

We got in, and got the tour, and my god, this place is mind blowing. $100 less than what we pay for rent now, and though the actual numbers are probably a little smaller, it's so much bigger than where we live now. It's a whole community, and she raves about it, and there are houses for rent. There is serious discussion of moving down here after the new year.

I honestly can't say I'd mind. It might (probably) will get a little annoying living so close to the aunt, but it's a nice community, nice climate, and very very nice house. Just give me my own computer back, I'll move in now.
A fresh start really might do me well. But then again, what do I know? I'd be even farther from the few friends I have now, that are too far away as is. And lord knows how good I am with making new friends.

I'm really just jumping the gun here. It's probably just talk, and nothing will ever come of it. I can't see my father willing to leave Waterbury, even if he got a job with twice the pay he has now.
But this place really is great, and I'd love a place like it someday.

And with that, I leave you. Assuming there are no unforseen events, I'll be home this time tomorrow, and a much happier fellow.